Excerpt 1 - Temporarily Evil: Fault and Forgiveness After Forced Participation in Satanic Ritual Abuse, MK-ULTRA and the Secret Space Program

My soon-to-be released Organized Extreme Abuse survivor memoir

Temporarily Evil: Fault and Forgiveness After Forced Participation in Satanic Ritual Abuse, MK-ULTRA and the Secret Space Program

by Anastasia Sprout

Excerpt 1

Here I read this post aloud, including a fascinatingly-timed dog barking!

This book excerpt is intended for educational, healing, and child/victim protective purposes. It may not be reproduced or transmitted for money or commercial exchange without the prior written permission of the copyright owners, Anastasia Sprout and SOAAR Global, PMA.

Non-commercially, please share and quote freely as inspired and helpful.

Just not to children.🙏

Disclaimer

TRIGGER WARNING*: This book contains descriptions of extreme violence, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse, and torture. It contains themes of occult/Satanic Ritual Abuse** and Torture-Based Mind Control***. Please consult your highest source of knowing if reading is beneficial for you, stop reading if you feel overwhelmed, and get safe support.

This book is not suitable for children.

Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable for any emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial, or other kind of damages. If you feel at risk of harm from this material, do not read it.

*I recommend readers practice the meditation described in Chapter 13: How to Create an Energetic/Etheric Shield aka “Connect and Protect”) before reading. What I mean about focusing your intent to create an energetic shield (C&P) is to use your creative mind to visualize a positive energetic barrier between you and anything or anyone that might harm you. Even when not reading, I recommend doing this energy hygiene practice twice a day, as often as you remember. I could not have remained sexually sober since 4-18-04**** (the day after Easter that year, no coincidence) without clearing negative parasitic entities and learning to protect myself from further intrusions.

**I have a friend who studies original languages, who states that the term Satan originated as meaning logic in ancient Greek, or is a derivative of the word Saturn. In my experience, the term Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) has been widely adopted as an umbrella term by survivors of extreme ritualized abuse from around the world, though the actual religious or occult ideology may differ.

***Although I am aware of the popular term Trauma-Based Mind Control to describe forced participation in MK-ULTRA or other Death-Cult Network programs that force-structure dissociation to shape children into enslaved operatives, in this book I choose to use the term Torture-Based Mind Control as a more accurate descriptor of my experiences. All torture is traumatic, but the word trauma (wound) is not synonymous with torture. Childhood Organized Extreme Abuse mind control is extreme torture and extreme control.

Torture: the action or practice of inflicting severe pain or suffering on someone as a punishment or in order to force them to do or say something. (Oxford Language Dictionary)

****For more information on my journey to sexual sobriety, see Naked in Public: A Memoir of Recovery from Sex Addiction and Other Temporary Insanities. That book does not focus on healing from Organized Extreme abuse, but healing from childhood alcoholic/dysfunctional family dynamics, complex trauma and sexual compulsion that are commonly its symptoms.

---

Preface

After I fell in love in 2011 and began to explore sharing intimacy and sexuality from a sober, committed, heart-centered place, I experienced a level of security and joy in the comfort of that relationship I had never before imagined. My then-partner, whom I married in 2013, was a stable, loving, kind man (almost always - he’d be the first to admit – nobody’s perfect). This protective union inspired the writing and publishing of my memoir Naked in Public, which catalyzed a cascade of horrible memories from my past to come barreling into my awareness. This was unexpected to me and overwhelming, but actually quite natural – it’s what my friend and colleague Melisa Noel calls “the Safety Paradox.”

The Safety Paradox refers to the irony that when survivors of trauma and neglect finally find safe relationships and supportive situations, instead of feeling better, we feel worse for a while. Long-buried injuries, like bubbles, float to the surface of consciousness, seeking healing and release. This can mean the sudden acting out of regressed behavior, and new experiences of once-dissociated painful feelings, thoughts/memories, and body sensations tied to past experiences. As we grow our resources, it’s as if the neglected parts of our minds say,

Finally! Finally, we can show ourselves and someone will be stable enough to help us!

That “someone” is our strong adult self, with our new level of support, and the voice belongs to our inner “shadow” or unconscious child-mind (or children/teens/etc.) seeking attention from our newly-more-stable us!

Despite the fact that this time of “re-association” of what’s been dissociated or split off for survival can be highly destabilizing, it’s actually an opportunity for deep healing and transformation. If you don’t expect it, however, it can feel like a healing crisis. Get out of “fawn, fight, flight and freeze” with enough “detach, rest, reflect and refresh,” and you will find the “message in the mess.” Act out with addictions or more self-neglect, and you will feel the crisis, and regress…or stay numb.

For most of us, healing is a back and forth, back and forth process, but hopefully the trend is onward and upwards. I’ve found four essentials to success are:

1) An inspirational practice (prayer/meditation/energy work);

2) Safe support around us (loving community);

3) Trauma-informed support (therapy/coaching/bodywork); and, if (because) you’re acting out additions or restrictions you can’t yet fully reassociate;

4) 12-Step or other structured addiction recovery help and accountability.

Unhealed trauma symptoms, toxic relationship attachment/betrayal, and neglect reenactments are the main reasons people with addictions relapse. I had many close calls as I re-called my past, and remain ever grateful I always had 12-Step meetings to attend, in person or by phone or video. I sought and found skilled therapy, creative coaches, kind friends, and loving bodyworkers. I also found ineffective and harmful people, and eventually learned how to fire or detach from them. Later still I learned rage reduction tools and conflict management, to help me sort out which relationships were salvageable, and how to keep them. Since I found 12-Step recovery in 2001 (some meetings are healthier than others, and a few totally corrupt), I have never been without a caring person at my fingertips. The referrals I received from 12-steppers for other practitioners were very helpful. The hard part, of course, was asking for help.

---

The Reassociation Prayer

God, please help me remember

Everything I need to know

To heal and help others heal,

no more and no less.

Love Prayer

Highest heart of love, within and above, may I always be faithful to you. And with you, may all else evolve in and with love.

---

List of Slave “Jobs”

My “jobs,” or intended uses, as a Death-Cult Network slave (Excerpted with permission and slightly adapted for my situation, from It's Not Impossible: Healing from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control by Svali Speaks. More information available about Svali’s remarkable work at:

https://svalispeaksagain.wordpress.com

• Informer: These people are trained to observe details and conversations with photographic recall. They are trained to report to their local cult leader or hierarchy, or trainer, and will download large amounts of information under hypnotic trance or in a dissociated part or team trained for memory and regurgitation of information. Detailed knowledge of conversations or even documents can often be retrieved in this manner. They are often used as "plants" to gather information in both governmental settings, and within the cult meetings. I was trained to recall every word of conversations, and was later able to use this skill in a positive way as a licensed psychotherapist, and now as an OEA recovery coach.

• Prostitute: Prostitutes can be a male or female of any age. They are trained from earliest childhood to give sexual favors to one or more adults in return for payment to the child's parents or their local cult group. Occasionally, the prostitute may be given to a member of the cult on a temporary basis as a reward for a job well done. Child prostitution is a big business for the cult, and training very young children in this role is taken very seriously. Child prostitutes are also used to blackmail political figures or leadership outside the cult. They do not receive payment for their sexual abuse/enslavement – that goes to the Network to fund operations and rewards. My sexual abuse and programming was the root cause of my sexual addiction, though this awareness returned gradually, as I found enough support to recognize and heal my traumatic injuries, rather than “showing” them via acting them out in my life. I was able to use this awareness to write (part of) my own story in my sexual recovery memoir, Naked in Public: A Memoir of Recovery from Sex Addiction and Other Temporary Insanities, and work for seventeen years as a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist, helping others heal from sex/porn/relationship addictions.

• Victim of Pornography: A child used in pornography (which may include bestiality) can also be of any age or sex. Child pornography is also big business in the cult and includes “snuff” films, aka media of one or more persons being murdered. Children are trained in this role from preschool on, often with the help or approval of the child's parents. The parents are paid or given favors by the cult in return for selling their child or allowing their child to be trained in this area. Sexual abuse was massive part of my ritual abuse and mind control torture-training, which for me began shortly after birth, and continued as a way of life. As a child/teen I was used to create pornography with other victims, which fueled my later obsession and compulsion with it. Thanks to sexual recovery, I do not use others by consuming pornography. Because I’ve remembered my own experiences as a porn victim, I know its harsh realities intimately, and do not fall into the delusional sexual pleasure-trance it offers.

• Media personnel: These are very bright, verbal people. They will be sent to journalism school and will work for local or regional media upon graduation. These individuals have many contacts within the organization as well as the outside world. They write books and articles sympathetic to the Illuministic [one popular term for Death-Cult Network] viewpoint without ever revealing their true affiliation. They will tend to do biased research in their articles, favoring only one viewpoint, such as denying the existence of DID or ritual abuse. For instance, they will interview only psychiatrists/psychologists sympathetic to this viewpoint and will skew data to present a convincing picture to the general public. If necessary, they will outright lie or make up data to support their viewpoint. There are members of groups whose people have been purposely trained to try and help formulate public opinion on the nonexistence of the cult (i.e., cults don't exist, no rational person would believe this "mass hysteria"). The Illuminists believe that to control the media is to control the thinking of the masses. For this reason, they take training media personnel quite seriously. In my case, I was programmed to become a media “talking head” to puppet their lies to the public, due to showing extraordinary potential with written and verbal communication, authenticity and persuasiveness. If I believed something (was successfully torture-split into young, naïve parts of consciousness who believed the lies endlessly) then I could broadcast it sincerely, and others would feel my vibration of truth. However, I had a partial awakening from total slave-compliance in college, and changed my major from Journalism to Psychology. As a free person, I have sought to invert my negative programming and become a truth-telling journalist via SOAAR Global News and other media participation.

• Courier: These members run guns, money, drugs, or illegal artifacts across state or national lines. Usually they are people who are young and single without outside accountability. They are trained in the use of firearms to get out of difficult situations. They must be reliable and able to get past any anticipated barriers. I recalled this and almost all Death-Cult Network participation years after being used this way, especially during travel, as my dissociated, amnesic “back life” parts of consciousness began to integrate due to my recovery and healing efforts.

There are many other jobs inside the cult. The cult spends quite a bit of its time getting people to do these jobs for them for free, which is why they program people to believe they are doing their "family" and the world a service. The reality, of course, is that the individual is being abused and taken advantage of by the cult.

Additional Jobs I was forced to perform:

• Procurer of Children for Murder (“Snuff”) Porn

• Channel of Demons/Satanic and Other Entities

• Ritual Abuser

• “Sexassin” – Trained to use my body/seduction/sex as a murder weapon

• “Freedom Warden” (Enslaved Slaver) – This refers to a position I held during my adult years in the Secret Space Program. It required me to provide my attention/body for use/abuse by male “Supersoldiers” (a euphemistic name for military slaves tortured as children and artificially augmented to enhance advanced capacities) who were returning from missions. In this role I was Death-Cult loyal and thus an active handler; I was to protect (“ward”) their allegiance to the Death-Cult, ensuring their minds and bodies did NOT get free. Typically, they would seek sex, physical comfort, and emotional nurturance from me, at times they would rape or otherwise physically assault me without consequence. All was surveilled and recorded, and I would report anything they disclosed during encounters immediately to my handlers. Looking back, I recognize that although these were men of various ages, emotionally they were pain-regressed into younger developmental stages, traumatized and reactive by the horrors of enslavement and war. Like me, they were puppets, and I hold no enmity for these desperate, sad encounters. At the time, albeit corrupt, this was my only comfort.

I have chosen not to write about all these roles in detail in this memoir.

In order to heal, I have found it vital to consciously “meet” all parts inside me that were forced to assume these jobs for the cult, understand something about what the jobs meant to each part (purpose, power, survival, etc.), explore and correct any thinking errors still activated inside, process and grieve the traumatic pain they carry (this process is ongoing), and help them/me find new, positive ways to use their/our extraordinary gifts and talents. Mentally, I needed to lovingly “cult deprogram” each new walled-off part that came into consciousness. This has become a lifelong journey of homecoming. Some refer to the outcome of unifying parts into a more highly functional, loving whole as integration.

---

Part One: Memories of Innocence Lost

Chapter 1: Toxic Sludge of Horror Memories

(Recall - Age 43, 2013)

Dawn between sleep and awakening is bringing gifts, as always, wrapped in toxic sludge of horror memories. This one is in the center of my gut, contracted all my life, it seems, daring me to breathe into it and decode its message. My mind, not yet alert enough to find my compassionate adult voice, says,

Uh oh…oh no.

Surfacing in response, I can tune in now to love, and my good mom-voice says,

I am an ocean of calm in a sea of terror.

My breath takes me to my core, where there is so much tight fat packed from breast to bowel, I feel like someone strapped weight belts around my middle and realize someone did – me. I’ve been eating and eating, sugars and fats, carbs and meats and junk food treats steadily for most of the past four years, adding thirty pounds, mostly to my middle. “Stuffing feelings” applies, adding a layer of protective insulation, not so much from the world, but from myself, my secrets.

Now it is no longer working, the caverns are full to the brim and spilling over with their terror-truth. I could scare up another distraction-drama-compulsion, but I don’t. Finally, I have enough love-care-support, paired with being “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I want to get out of this mess, finally accepting that the way out, as they say, is through. Like Stephen Levine so gently taught when I picked up his Guided Meditations, Explorations, and Healings at a garage sale years ago, I stop running from the pain, and go right on in, deep dive-style.

What’s in there, in the dark, red and black rushing, juicy, fecund, pulsing? Grunts, that’s what. Guttural, these grunts now coming out of my mouth contract my lower orifices, tighten my whole stomach-lowerback-chest-upperback-neck at once, my posture hunches forward even as I’m lying down, shoulders curl around the throaty croak I let myself make once, twice, three times. Body memory! Somatic recall! What were my hands doing? Nothing good, thinks the peanut gallery inside. A fleeting thought of Seabiscuit, my endless wishing for a different life story, why can’t I have been her, the brave champion who believed in her sweet horse and empowered him for the big win? Perhaps, in a very dark version of that tale, I am.

I breathe again, even more deeply. My hands have nothing to say, but my orifices do. This is the physical, visceral memory of their invasion, from me as a tiny girl and yet unskilled at being raped, when I innocently tightened my body in pain, as if that could keep things out. Later I learned (and was painfully taught, over and over to automation) to open when about to be penetrated, in self-protection, but these grunts were before, they were just my body-animal natural reaction to pain, to contract. My jaw tightens, teeth clench, head aching, and I breathe again, welcoming myself as best I can to the present moment.

Need to scream.

I’ve done this before, both the screams from my body and the inside screams, where my body is mute but my mind cries out, rages, the psychic screams, over and over. I do the latter, shriek and shriek, feeling my gut loosening with each a bit more. A thought floats through my mind,

I am She. I am berserker. I kill for you.

The brief release shifts to stark fear – contracting again. My loving parent self is waning now, I’m terrified of this new voice inside, my meditative candle of awareness snuffing out in the black bleakness as my body convulses further.

I’m almost crushed here, I think, I’ve had enough.

OK, I answer, recognizing a toggle is in order. Enough of then-now, time to tune all the way into now.

I pick up my phone and text my three best friends, fellow Organized Extreme Abuse survivors that sadly, yet thank-God-they-do, get it. They are all there, all available. I am too stretched thin emotionally to call them but text I can do, just to connect. They text back, kindness and love and check in and questions, and I share what I can without too much detail, and I receive their sweet intentions and feel less alone. I get up, I make the bed, I open the curtains and sunlight fills the bedroom my husband and I have steadfastly made sacred.

I do morning things, then unleash all seven pounds of Sparky, my tiny flittering dog, who jumps for joy and spins in circles, then races with me to his brother’s crate, where Rocky rockets out; I open the French doors in the kitchen and they race to the grass to do their morning things, two white and tan pups zipping to and fro, a few happy barks thrown in for good measure. I sit in the red camp chair at our wooden table on the deck, warmed by the sun and a pup suddenly on my lap, licking my chin and quivering happily. I am being loved, I am loved, I am no longer all alone, and this is the antidote to the awful, the wind chime pinging in the light wind, along with my friend’s text reminding me, and suddenly I think to pray. This day I know God* is already here, has always been here, even back then, in the dark dungeon. As for the rest, I trust I can get back to it later.

* * *

What follows is a recounting of some experiences of Death-Cult Network horror. They are divided in two parts, Memories of Innocence Lost (this section) from when I was a child-victim, and Memories of Psychopathy, when I was an adolescent-victim. Harm of others occurred in both places, but my forced perpetration was far more ingrained from adolescence forward, in the split off parts of my mind I learned in recovery to call my “back life”.

As advised in the introduction, please visualize your “Connect and Protect” meditation around you and read at your own pace, stop to “rest and refresh” when needed, and get support to process the evil described here. I write this to educate, because this continues to happen to children every day and we need to end it, now.

From here forward, specific horror memories are written in italics.

*I use the term God here to describe a genderless or all-gender divine source-love energy, aka “Higher Power” or “Holy Spirit” or a myriad of other terms.

---

Thank you for reading! It gets tougher from here. But even with everything, I feel grateful today. May this project be of service.

PLEASE SIGN OUR PETITION ⬇️⬇️⬇️

END All Forms of Satanic Ritual Abuse/Mind Control and Demand Reparations Now

https://www.change.org/p/end-all-forms-of-satanic-ritual-abuse-mind-control-and-demand-reparations-now

❤️