✨Spiritual Powertool #2: Know Thyself

It Can Be Much Easier to Try to Vanquish Enemies OUT THERE than INSIDE...

Jun 11, 2026

I’m on a quest: find myself, find allies, and win the war.

Sounds pretty simple, right?

It has not been.

What war, you say (if you are new to my blog/reality)?

Why, the war against those that seek to crush the soul of humanity and turn us all into automaton transhumanist slave-battery-food, of course!

I took this selfie in February 2020. I had the shirt custom made. On some level, I could feel the Death Cult machine’s malevolence building, and was trying to warn people. No one liked the shirt but me.

In this quest, I have discovered something essential: we cannot win the war raging around us without winning the war inside of us. They go together.

But in Organized Extreme Abuse aka Ritual Abuse/Mind Control/Organized Abuse (RAMCOA) recovery, finding oneself is very often completely overwhelming. To demonstrate, I offer some entries from my current journal, in which I write pretty much daily as part of the goal to find myself, or in the case of MK-ULTRA, my “selves” - whom are thankfully becoming more integrated each day.

Backstory: as I have made progress on transforming my rage, I have been facing my pattern of overeating to the point of harmful weight gain. This took hold in January 2025 after my dog died and still plagues me now (even though I adopted a new, super snuggly sweet dog, Foxi, last October!).

I know much of this overeating is an expression of anger at myself/directing rage within. I am now about forty pounds overweight, my feet hurt when I go on hikes, and I don’t feel balanced nor comfortable.

Living in recovery means living in reality, and this is true for me: it’s not healthy. I feel embarrassed.

I don’t like it.

Or do I?

Compulsive behavior typically exists at the point of split/dissociation/conflict within. Addictions are big arrows to hidden parts seeking attention and care. Often very young, traumatized parts.

Journal June 2026

I am attempting to face my life and carry my own weight. I am tired of carrying the weight of the world…I am scaling back my activism. This means I have to focus on myself and withdraw from sugar addiction, in balance. Not so sugar-numb…feeling more…I’ve felt so much pain and loss, or experienced it without feeling it…I keep failing with food (overeating) because I cannot bear to feel my own pain.

I am NOT disgusting (even though I feel that way)…dis-gust…how to DIGEST THIS ALL?

I can change myself but it’s HARD! I am conflicted…I feel I should punish myself for what I did, but I was a child and I was forced…

In my journals I often write prayers:

God I align myself to you, I ask for your help and strength to live in balance with sugar and food. Please help me, send angels, send signs, send help to grieve. Save me from being angry, help me offer mercy as I seek mercy for myself, but not idiotic compassion for others perpetrating still, the lost and confused souls.

Help me deal with memories of Judyth (a newly discovered perpetrator-identified BDSM dom part inside) who remains full of rage and retribution desires. Help me stop hurting myself (with food) and not hurt anyone else. Forgive me and release me from my perfectionism. The pain is so terrible, it’s overwhelming to feel.

Maybe the tension keeps me fighting/hurting, to prevent falling into utter despair…

…yes this anger and fight has kept me alive!

Lately I am turning a further corner on my RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE… which reminds me of a song I’ve loved since I first heard it in 1992 at age twelve, representing standing up to social injustices.

0:00

-5:14

This fiery song is titled Killing in the Name, but the band Rage Against the Machine (RATM/Rage) that created it folded under the covid fraud, so, booo on them!

Penner - https://www.flickr.com/photos/penner/1977294428/

OOPS I did it again - how easy it is to move into anger at others, and focus the energy outwards instead of facing the pain inside?

Back to my journal…my grief log:

Memories of black magic…deathgasms during porn kills…someone with a slit throat, covered in blood…

Following this I worked in therapy on a memory of forced perpetration: luring a girl into my uncle’s white torture van, after which he and another adult male kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered her. I was forced to be used in her harm, and mine, while this was filmed as “kill pornography” in the dungeon in Mountlake Terrace, WA. I don't know where, and I doubt it’s still there, but it was. And other similar places remain, fully operational, throughout the world.

It goes without saying that we girls were not paid nor reimbursed in any way. Instead, others profited while she died a horrible death, and I lived on - holding the suppressed shame and guilt from these crimes. Scapegoated again! I have held that toxic memory for forty years inside me.

I have gained one pound for every year that passed since that scarring event.

Penance?

BUT today I am realizing I was a mind controlled child and NOT RESPONSIBLE, even through I was told in the most horrible ways that I was. Parts of me believed them, and have held on to this.

It’s time I let it go.

To recover from profound survivor guilt, I have to find positive grief/relief rituals.

Since talking in therapy and the kind feedback and perspective I received, this has relieved a lot of painful pressure inside. This coming weekend I will be participating in a Mount Shasta sweat lodge (called by the lovely elder woman leader a “Love Lodge” because it’s not about getting super hot and suffering, but about experiencing the fire as a catalyst for our grief and growth). At this event, I will be offering a symbol of this girl, to honor her and mark the loss of her hopes, dreams and very life. She mattered, and it should matter that such things happen to children in our neighborhoods, cities, and underneath our feet.

Peace be with her soul, and the souls of all children whose lives are “snuffed out” by the MALEVOLENT MACHINE of child sexual abuse exploitation media.

These war crimes continue, and should be dis-covered and stopped, immediately.

I declare full responsibility of locating and stopping these crimes to the collective will of humanity.

And that was just one memory.

This is Organized Extreme Abuse.

That means there are many, many more still waiting.

I eat so fast because I was in the military [DELTA camp/DUMBS] and if I didn’t, I could lose my chance…

I know overeating is harmful but I am sane…I was trained to self- and other-harm…I am still acting this out with myself, staying small…it is a LACK OF POWER/SUPPORT that keeps me reenacting my trauma. My “showing” that everything is NOT OK. This weight is a self-cocoon…it is slowing me down, and I have needed that…

What are the character problems with overeating?

Greed, gluttony, carelessnesss, self-hatred, callousness, self-destruction, fear, entitlement, thoughtlessness…

…but when I overeat I feel six years old, grabbing for anything sweet in a world of horror…I cannot give it up…

In my powerlessness, I turn again to writing to God, another prayer:

I am sick of punishing myself for their crimes! God, I ask you to intervene! I am sick of being a pawn for awareness. I resign as a sacrifice for the greater good! I have given enough. I am tired, sore, and struggling. I’ve left marks on myself (weight gain) in suffering for the marks hidden by others’ suffering.

I resign.

I ask for your grace, restored.

I ask for YOU to help ME, rather than ME trying to always help everyone ELSE.

I feel worthy. This seems like justice: you help me now, more directly. I ask for more grace. More moments of peace. More calm. More real sweetness.

I want my innocence back! They stole her. They made me kill my innocence (temporarily). I want the resurrection of my innocence! NOW!

I still hate them so much for what they did to me and made me do.

Then I get mad again, and another part weighs in…

I don’t WANT to be SOBER with food! It’s TOO CONTROLLING and RESTRICTIVE! I don’t WANT to lose weight! I want to be FAT, DISABLED, LIMITED with fun, HUMILIATED! Being humiliated makes me feel SPECIAL! I want men to LEAVE ME ALONE!

Ahhhh, okay, now we are getting somewhere. Because I have learned that every behavior is meeting a need of some kind. Need to feel free, in control, safe. Need to express deeply abused, trained masochist parts inside.

How to find less harmful ways of expression?

Parts of me don’t want to give up sugar because it represents control and a way to feel special, while other parts are trained to harm/humiliate me if I tell.

And I tell every day.

Here is an entry from my online activism:

Thinking about MK ULTRA, SRA, and food conditioning and torture...

⚠️⚠️⚠️

I definitely have had severe harm related to food! I was forced to eat awful things, forced to overeat, forced fed, given little time to eat when desperate for food, starvation, forced to choose if I ate while another starved, and (age 6 in the DUMBS) forced to choose who got how much when we were not given enough to sustain two children.

Deprived of my birth mother’s milk and given sugary formula, addicted to sugar. Given inappropriate things to eat, suck and chew, like blood, semen, adult or child sexual parts, and other icky stuff.

I have parts trained to blend into consciousness to create discordant hunger or erase my body’s present sensation. I was tested for favorites, then these were drugged, often given with conditioning for “eat and forget.” My mom made chocolate chip cookies with me in front life, one of the first bonding, enjoyable experiences I had with her, then those were drugged by handlers after that chronically. I learned to self-poison to make myself forget.

I watched my parents and sibs act out with food chronically too, to manage overwhelm and express their own programs. My parents tried every “fad” diet, which I later learned were big pharma/death cult mass operations.

They wanted to control everything and disrupt, or cue me to disrupt, on command. And I retained behaviors to manage mood and sensations through food which have appeared as disordered eating at times. Mainly using food to replace/suppress sexual urges and overeating for control and pleasure. Also using food to distract or deal with boredom.

I also used food as symbolism - that I was living in complete discordance with my natural rhythms. Eat dinner, then go and eat a second and third dinner, and then three desserts, as if my satiation sensations did not exist. This started in college. I recall at least one group “feast” that was over the top in so many ways, utter gluttony. I am working with memories of cannibalism still, so don’t want to say too much more about that...it still disgusts me deeply. But I can say, for super-sick satanists, the “best” and most decadent meal is either a newborn, or from the worst ones, a baby unborn, extracted during the “meal.” Easter and other OEA ritual days will include this around the world for some.

I have experienced intense conflict inside - parts wanting my body to look different ways, and fighting over if and how I eat. This is less vitriolic now, but still a struggle.

To get more in personal balance, I have to continue to cut back on stress and increase true nourishment. Not easy to do in this society. This requires a LOT of work and support, especially for survivors of extreme trauma - and really, this is ALL OF US now.

Weekly self-care - not including dog care, work, entertainment, hobbies, volunteer work, and all else, which has to come AFTER self-care:

Every morning: spiritual study/pray/journaling time

Mondays: Call with Overeater’s sponsor-mentor, Overeater’s support meeting or Financial Recovery support meeting

Tuesdays: Codependency support meeting, call with survivor sister, chiropractic appointment

Wednesdays: Rageaholics support meeting, therapy, bodywork appointment, Dysfunctional family survivors support meeting

Thursdays: Time with friends, pickleball, Financial support meeting

Fridays: Rest and play

Saturdays: Call with overeater’s sponsor-mentor, support meeting, play/rest

Sundays: Codependency support group, play/rest/cook, rageaholics support group, overeater’s support group

I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS MAKING PROGRESS! ❤️

IF YOU NEED IDEAS FOR OEA SELF-CARE PLANNING, HERE IS A STARTER PLAN:

POST TRAUMATIC TRANSFORMATION PLAN FOR ORGANIZED EXTREME ABUSE SURVIVORS

Practice Personal Healing: Commit to exquisite self-care (ESC) that supports ALL parts of you

1. Get nurturing sleep and a workable sleep schedule for you.

2. Eat nourishing food – watch comfort food/sugar/toxins – and take nutritional supplements as needed for balance.

3. Get clean water. Filtered, charged, clean water – listen to your body re: the PH levels you need. Use test strips to determine your acid-alkaline levels.

4. Focus inward and learn to relax: trauma-informed meditation, self-attunement, self-soothing practices, breath work, guided imagery, progressive relaxation, etc.

5. Exercise (as able; no injuries/illnesses) – cardio/weights, yoga, tai chi, martial arts, walking, swimming, dance, etc.

6. Surround yourself with loving, safe relationships, and let go of or distance from those that drain/harm you. This may improve in layers.

7. Pursue play/fun/novel experiences (hobbies, travel) alone and with safe friends.

8. Down time (not just entertainment/electronics), e.g., staycations, restful vacations, personal retreats, reading inspirational literature.

9. Identify what you’ve been using to protect/distract/destruct to cope with the overwhelm of traumatic injury (e.g., compulsions, restrictions, other dis-abilities).

10. Get resources to get successfully sober from addictions and get well from illnesses (e.g., 12-step programs, holistic health care, other support groups/programs).

11. Ensure you have adequate financial means for a safe, comfortable lifestyle and funding all support and health care. If you are not financially literate/capable, find teachers and learn to track your spending/budget and ensure you have adequate means of support.

12. Regular journaling/art/recording your feelings/memories/dreams in a personal diary or some form of intimate expression and later reflection.

13. Spend time in nature in a way that feels safe and enriching for you.

14. Develop personal visions/goals list and prioritize them – and take small, steady actions.

15. Offer service to others (when you have something to give).

1. Choose your top 7 ESC methods (PCI):____________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

6. _________________________________________________

7. _________________________________________________

Develop Your Extreme Trauma-Informed Healing Community: Trauma/Grief Work

Stay with your healing process no matter what – this is healing all past attachment wounds, as you become the center of your extreme abuse healing and can persevere no matter what happens! And, get help/get resourced!

o Regular meetings with a trustworthy mentor/therapist/practitioner who has experience with OEA trauma healing and can serve as a supportive presence and “reality-check” coach. When ready, explore system mapping and inner collaboration.

o Internal Family Systems can be a helpful inroad to exploring the inner world, though systems will most likely be more complex and unique than that template.

o Try trauma clearing/healing techniques like Lifespan Integration, Somatic Experiencing, EFT, EMDR, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Rage Reduction, etc. – far better to work with someone experienced in healing programming techniques to avoid re-triggering, whenever possible.

o Regular bodywork to help process emotional/physical/spiritual pain stored in your body, such as massage therapy, cranial sacral therapy, Reiki, Jin Shin, and other forms of energy healing.

o Spiritual/intuitive support/growth/healing guidance from safe practitioners familiar with Organized Extreme Abuse.

o A safe support group/circle with fellow survivors of OEA trauma – (community groups, Power of 8 group, 12-Step, Therapy, etc.).

o General information about Organized Extreme Abuse and trauma healing

o We Have Come Far: Shared Wisdom for Survivors of Extreme Trauma by Ani Rose Whaleswan

o Safe Passage to Healing by Chrystine Oksana (SRA)

o https://deprogramwiki.com/deprogramming/deprogramming-modalities-for-trauma-mind-control-survivors/

o Information about the grieving process and regular coaching on healthy grief processing skills – see grief chart “Wound to Wisdom”