Meeting M.Alice with Love...But Not Idiot Compassion

Thoughts on Escaping OEA, Religion and 12-Step (Rage) Recovery

Apr 24, 2025

Here is a hard but unsurprising truth about growing up in a Death Cult-controlled “uncommunity”:

They don’t want to let you out.

They don’t want you to break away from their use/abuse of you. They don’t want you to find kind allies to help you. They don’t want you to tell anyone who they are, how they operate, nor who else is guilty. They don’t want to be stopped, held accountable, put in prison, or put to death. They don’t want their freedom to control and perpetrate to be in any way curtailed. In fact, they want to do this very thing: blame-criminalize-arrest-imprison-murder, anyone who dares call them out. They are doing this, have been doing this, systematically, to lightwarriors everywhere. It’s heartbreaking.

And yet, I am no longer a Death Cult puppet. I got out. How? What does it look like when survivors escape?

I was a victim, and now I am sharing graphic details about what happened, alomg with some names of those I believe are cult perpetrators – including Dave Reich-ert, who in 2024 ran for Governor of Washington state, where I was born and abused (he lost, yay! Probably not because of my disclosure, but I was glad I outed him as much as I could before the election).

I shared about Chelom Leavitt, whom I asked directly about the SRA accusations against her, described in this post:

Satanic Ritual Abuse Carefrontation at Brigham Young University

Anastasia Sprout

Mar 12

Satanic Ritual Abuse Carefrontation at Brigham Young University

I hadn’t planned to go to Utah, a state I’d never visited, though I have dear friends who live there. I was headed to sunny Santa Barbara, CA in my first duo caravan experience, following a cute RV called a Dolphin, driven by my friend and fellow survivor of Organized Extreme Abuse, Ron Alan.*

Read full story

I now live in my fairly glampy-van, which I still owe lots of money on, and still love so much! To pay down debt recently I have been camping gratis in my van down by the river in lovely Ashland, OR (and OMG since retiring as a licensed psychotherapist, I am a life coach! I have become Matt Foley!:).

I travel freely, and speak up constantly about Organized Extreme Abuse. Thanks to coaching sessions, I have enough money to support myself, and in 2023 I founded and now run a company, Support for Organized Abuse and Addiction Recovery, or SOAAR Global, PMA. Along with my team, we help people from across the world heal from Satanic Ritual Abuse, MK-ULTRA, and other forms of OEA. We support OEA experts with best practices care for clients seeking mental health help in a bimonthly consultation group for professionals, and we provide remote coaching services ourselves. We don’t yet have an in-person community clinic, but that will happen, hopefully soon. Right now we can barely keep up with online inquiries!

So how did I get free?

Well one key reason I was able to exit cult dependency/enslavement was a life-altering Near Death Experience, which I wrote about in this post:

About Angels

Anastasia Sprout

Apr 13

I can’t feature a post on demons without balancing it out with one on angels.

Read full story

What was also key was I was able to learn the skills of healthy inter- and independence in 12-Step recovery, which I started at age 31 (I am now 55). That’s how I found lots of non-cult-involved supportive humans to help me get out! Through addiction recovery, I have sought and received FREE help for the following common symptoms of Organized Extreme Abuse:

Sexual compulsion/avoidance/addiction; poverty/out-of-control debt/bankruptcy; dissociation/time-vagueness; an eating disorder; painful, unsatisfying relationships; dealing with alcoholic/dysfunctional group-family dynamics; and most recently, evoked as I’ve been writing my memoir and breaking my own denial at a deeper level, destabilizing anger/rage.

I have found 12-Step participation vitally instructive in learning the following:

Stopping blackout/destructive drinking (“alcohol/problem drinking sobriety") 2001
Sexual boundaries and safety (“sexual sobriety”) 2004
Financial literacy and abundance (“debt sobriety”) 2002
Time management and organization around goals (“underearning sobriety”) 2015
How to make my dreams come true (achieving “visions” as part of debt and underearning sobriety) 2002
Finding friends! Intimacy and community-growing skills (“codependency, love addiction sobriety,” ongoing)
How to use food for nourishment and pleasure (“food sobriety” - ongoing)
How to detach with love from harmful relationships and situations (“adult child sobriety” - ongoing)
How to moderate my rage and direct my anger assertively, to protect the innocent and stand up for positive principles (“rage sobriety” - ongoing)
How to play (the natural result of all this sobriety)!

This is one way I get my aggression out these days…along with exercise and activism!

Wait…12-Step recovery for Organized Extreme Abuse? Weren’t those “programs” created by the Rockefeller Foundation?!

Yes, I have learned that the original 12-Step program, Alcoholics Anonymous, has a (mostly unknown) dark origin history, connected to the (Death Cult) Rockefellers, government-linked psychedelic experiments, and chronic infidelity and other forms of untreated sexual addiction in its founder, Bill Wilson.

In my first book, I quoted Aldous Huxley praising Bill Wilson, the former of whom I’ve since learned was a eugenicist…which is the true “religion” of the Death Cult. Might “Bill W.” have been a victim-agent of MK-ULTRA, and the early 12-Step “meetings” just another operations funnel for identifying and harvesting the vulnerable?

Sigh…does the bad news ever end?

…and yet…

Unaware of A.A.’s sordid background from the 1930’s, I personally found great assistance, strength, and hope from the loving communities of shared intent I experienced through 12-Step participation, starting in 2001.

In my experience, most modern recovery fellowships have evolved over the decades, and outgrown much of the negative intent infused into the original “program” creation. For those who can stick with the challenges and avoid blatant exploitation — which does occur — the payoffs can include freedom from compulsion when nothing else works. That was my experience. Of course there are many ways to heal and no one way works for everyone.

It’s true that as far as I’ve seen, 12-Step fellowships are not currently informed about the complexities of Organized Extreme Abuse, nor do most of them directly address traumatic injury (Adult Children of Alcoholics/ACA and Survivors of Incest Anonymous/SIA are two notable exceptions), and thus they only represent a part of the healing journey: stopping whatever harmful behavior or process upon which their collectives are focused.

Sometimes survivors with addictions have to choose: which risk is worse, their current disabling (and perhaps programmed) self-destructive behavior (for example alcohol/drug addiction, unmitigated poverty, etc.) or discomfort, humility (which can feel like humiliation at first), and the possibility of harm in a 12-Step fellowship? In my case, I have been happily surprised and grateful for how kind and practical the FREE help has been over the last twenty-four years.

On 4-18-2025 I celebrated 21 years of sexual sobriety!

Finding 12-Step fellowships for sexual recovery (for example, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) was a very significant early gift for escaping the hold my handlers had on me, in 2001 (it took me three years of intense effort before I was able to maintain a sexually sober lifestyle). When they could no longer trigger me into acquiescing in my own rape or otherwise degrading sexual encounters, their shame-hold began to seriously weaken. Even though I hadn’t yet integrated the dissociated parts of my mind that held such horrors, the support to create and sustain my sexual boundaries eventually gave me the power to say no to harmful triggers nonetheless. The memories returned far later, as I stayed “sober,” which for me means:

“Bottom Lines”

If I'm sexually sober today, I…

-Do not sexually self-harm

-Do not have sex outside a loving, mutually faithful, committed relationship

-Do not use pornography (consume nor create)

-Don't sext

-Don't risk STDs or unwanted pregnancy (the latter seems unlikely now at age 55!)

As I’ve written about, in January 2024 I started a new form of addiction recovery: for rage (for example, Rageaholics Anonymous or Violence Anonymous). Here I was encouraged to read about healthy anger boundaries, and many other tools, like learning to P.A.U.S.E. (Perhaps Another Unknown Solution Exists, besides reacting angrily).

I learned by others’ vulnerable examples that the name for my struggle was “partner-raging”; my anger came out only occasionally but scarily towards men I was intimate with. It mostly showed up with emotionally cold withdrawal when hurt/upset, episodic bursts of hot rage, or sneaky superior passive-aggression. It popped out with friends too, less often. Mostly, I was an “exploding doormat” who suppressed my rage, and then it would flare up, catching people off guard, hurting them. With concentrated anger, a little goes a long way. Thankfully it was never physical abuse, and I have never tolerated physically abusive relationships. But I have deeper compassion for how this can erupt — and I know, help is available!

⬆️ Before rage recovery…

Atheism as Progress?

As I do when I begin any 12-Step process, I started reading related books, getting phone numbers of new people I admired to call for support when angry, and asked someone to be my sponsor so we could walk through my rage-introspection journey together.

One insight that emerged was that for the integrating parts of me who had endured the worst abuse, for example from age fourteen until I broke free, I was an staunch atheist! That was weird because I am normally a very spiritual person, yet I had to honor the parts of me that had known only malevolent “spirituality” aka black magic.

Atheism is progress for those parts or many people forced into Satanism/Lucifarianism. It means that they have at least renounced whatever dark deity they were enslaved to follow. For anyone who does not understand how healing works for parts of self VERY DEEP into the Death Cult as I was, please try to comprehend this.

For many OEA survivors, religious control/conversion pressure (God will save you…you should pray) can feel like just another form of Death Cult manipulation, and is not effective. Religion or any form of spirituality must be a choice, or its just another system of enslavement; just another fawning cult. Anyone paying attention can see how much of the Death Cult machinations take place within – while hiding behind — religious piety and “leadership.” Recovering people need to find their own path to what inspires them, so it FEELS REAL and a not just another dominating “shaming should.”

12 Steps without “God” for the Recovering Individual?

To that end, I created a modified, non-religious version of the 12-Steps to offer those in the grips of compulsion who have, like I was, been tortured to deep pain at the mention of words like God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. This is a revised outline of an OEA-informed mystical path, empowering direct experience to personally-inspired freedom from addiction aka severe compulsive behavior:

Organized Extreme Abuse and Addiction Recovery 12-Steps
1. I want to quit ________________ because it’s causing me, and may be causing others, unacceptable suffering, pain, and loss.
2. I realize that I can quit and be healthier with the support of trustworthy people and inspiration to make different choices.
3. I take action daily to choose inspiration, support, and non-hurtful forms of self-care instead of _____________.
4. As deep feelings emerge like anger, fear, and shame, without the distraction/numbing effect from ___________, I get support to “grieve and relieve” for all parts of myself.
5. With trustworthy help, I explore current patterns of threat, pain and loss, and consider who is responsible, including my own influences.
6. With help, I look squarely and fairly at the qualities of character revealed in these patterns.
7. I dedicate myself to positive characteristics and relationships that best support and protect me.
8. I make a list of anyone who harmed me or was harmed by my behavior, and make a plan to correct injustices and mistakes.
9. I seek justice and to make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure me or others. In such cases I find other ways to complete my grief healing.
10. Daily or as needed, I take quiet time to explore challenging situations, feelings, thoughts and relationships in my life, and get support to address them directly, including taking responsibility for my part to resolve problems.
11. I devote energy and resources to my daily inspirational practice, exploring integrity with my highest purpose and most principled life.
12. In the spirit and abundance of loving, balanced generosity, I offer help to other survivors of Organized Extreme Abuse who may have had similar struggles as I have.

For SOAAR Global members, I’m putting together a group to support OEA healing from compulsive behaviors, and plan to try out these steps for us to work with together.

Meeting M.Alice

Meeting M.Alice is the title of this blog post because over the course of my rage recovery, I have had to look more deeply at my own capacity for malice, and thus have been able to “meet” the part of me that holds so much hurt and injury, she wants to deliberately harm others in retaliation. She was ~~programmed~~ tortured into existence via MK-ULTRA, but I know many people struggle with some form of this, even if not so extremely formed. Like a little kid smashing a bug that just bit them…when we are hurt, we may react by wanting to hurt back. We may even come to like the power of retaliation.

M.Alice (part of her torture involved “Alice in Wonderland” programming) holds contempt, superiority, and hateful calculations. She dreams of revenge — Let’s hurt them like they hurt us. Then they will REALLY understand! PUNISH THEM! She can also turn against ME, heaping on degrading self-criticism, or facilitating me eating food that will hurt my stomach. It’s taken years of mental recovery, including a great visualization of four angels standing in four corners of my mind, to block self-hateful tirades. The healthy vs. unhealthy eating struggle is ongoing, though much better than in the past. I’ve decided it’s better to hurt myself than hurt others, but I’d rather not hurt myself OR anyone else. It’s really tough to get enough support dealing with all this.

I’ve been understandably scared of this part of myself. Inner critic on napalm. Sure I learned to suppress these types of thoughts to “be good,” but in order to be fully whole, I have to integrate them. How? It’s easier with help!

Hearing others talk in rage recovery meetings about these same thoughts and feelings has helped me better “meet” this part inside of me now with love and compassion, as she is really a small, injured child. It’s helped me better understand my (late) mother by hearing other women speak about being mean or yelling at their kids in rage, yet also working hard to stop this and treat others better. It was from other women that I admitted to myself that I felt angry every day at the corrupt world, and this was eating me alive from the inside. I do pray for my persecutors…and act to stop them.

Sometimes, God directs me to answer my own prayers.

So now, I direct my M.Alice towards helping to take away freedom and resources from those who don’t deserve it. Yes, I want to put active abusers in cages, instead of children.

See bottom of this post for HOW I AM DIRECTING MY RAGE INTO ASSERTIVE ACTION TO END ALL OEA NOW!

Can Abusers Also Helpers?

Here is another and perhaps surprising thing about my own Death Cult escape, which took place in layers: some of the very same people who abused me were also instrumental in my freedom.

Why? Was that a trick? No. It was real, involving the reality of dissociated consciousness. Parts of self may be involved in horrific abuse, while other parts may feel and manifest loving actions.

I’ve experienced this many times from enslaved members of my own family.

They didn’t hand me the key to my “cell” and a backpack full of supplies, saying “Go in peace, you are free now and forever!” But with tiny acts of love and goodness, when THEIR slavemasters’ backs were turned, they slipped me a slice of bread, or a small flask of water. I mean this symbolically, over a lifetime, and it added up. Ultimately I had to do the lion’s share of freedom-seeking, but they helped as much as they could.

For example, when I was nine years old, my mother had a radical spiritual awakening after something immensely good happened for our family involving the arrest and conviction of her main perpetrator-handler, her father Rolland Steffy (Everett, WA), of incest. I wrote about this in more detail in Naked in Public, but at this time my mom “met” Jesus, after which she spoke of feeling enveloped in deep love and compassion. This encounter dramatically changed her life, which dramatically changed mine. One change I grew to love was that she started playing Christian music in the car, and she, my sister and I started singing along.

Praise the Lord, Hallelu, I don’t know what the devil’s gonna do

Word in Faith is my sword and shield

Jesus is the Lord of the way I feel!

Don Francisco, Amy Grant, Keith Green filled our car with joy, when prior to that it had been sullen silences, or tearing each other apart with spiky irritability. What a change! This began to break my anti-religion programming. Music was indeed medicine for my beleaguered child soul. Because of my early positive experiences, I do resonate more with Christianity than any other religion. But not the kind that excludes anyone, regardless of their belief. I’ve explored Christian mysticism, but I do not fit in any one “system” of knowing the divine. In some ways, integrity is my religion…that’s why I like addiction recovery. I know too many people “of faith” who act out in degraded ways to think that religion automatically brings integrity.

When I was ten, my father took me on a cross country road trip that included sex trafficking me in at least one hotel room along the I-5 corridor. Singing Christian songs in the car with mom did not stop this from happening with dad, or other abuse that followed. This picture was taken on that trip:

It is horrible that my father did this! Yet when I attempted to hold him accountable as an adult, he stated he did not recall doing anything like that, and would never do anything like that to me or anyone. Denial, or DID/dissociation? I didn't feel safe going to the Seattle Police to report him, since some police were also involved in the local Satanic cult activities where I was abused. I was interviewed by a retired detective and child abuse victim advocate, but they left after I talked for hours, and never got back to me. I found a good cop, Neil McClanahan, who started to help, but he died of cancer before he could help further. Another supposedly good Seattle homicide detective never returned my calls.

More rage for M.Alice to hold, helplessly.

Yet my father, when I was forty-one years old (2011), ALSO became a key emotional support when I was trying to leave a toxic workplace to write my memoir and create my own private practice as a psychotherapist. This had been a dream of mine that was starting to come true, thanks to my efforts and support in financial recovery (for example, Debtor’s Anonymous and Underearner’s Anonymous). But I was stuck from really making it happen.

Financial freedom is NOT something the Death Cult wants its slaves to achieve…in fact I was having massive torture-program triggers whenever I experienced any success towards each goal. Though I had support in the 12-Step fellowship, it was my father who was available to lean on for the anxiety attacks that plagued me every night. He is a gamer, and stayed up til the wee hours playing, so he was always by the phone when I’d call in a panic at 11pm. He’d say the kinds of same things each night,

“You got this, you can do this! You are smart, and if anyone can do it, you can!”

With his help I broke that shame programming and founded a successful corporation, called r.evolution psychotherapy, in 2011, focused on sexual addiction recovery and healing from intimacy issues. Despite abusing me earlier in life, later in life my father also helped me immensely. We rarely speak now, but he is always loving and kind when we do. Complex!

I have many more examples of the service and sacrifice that family members gave to help me get and stay free, even if they weren’t. I’ve also been helped by countless other people who may still be enslaved by the Death Cult themselves, yet with no conscious memory of this in their “good sides.”

Moving past my chronic rage through deep spiritual study is leading me to contemplate my earlier paragraph with more depth, in a way that I think is also true of many still trapped in the Death Cult:

Sometimes, they ~~don’t~~ want you to break away from their use/abuse of you. They ~~don’t~~ want you to find kind allies to help you. They ~~don’t~~ want you to tell anyone who they are, how they operate, ~~nor~~ and who else is guilty. They ~~don’t~~ want to be stopped, held accountable, put in prison, or put ~~to death~~ out of their abject misery. They ~~don’t~~ want their freedom to control and perpetrate to be ~~in any way~~ curtailed. ~~In fact, they want to do this very thing: blame-criminalize-arrest-imprison, to anyone who dares call them out.~~

SOMETIMES, THEY WANT HELP TO STOP ABUSING AND GET OUT…BUT THEY ARE TERRIFIED AND DON’T KNOW HOW. OR ARE DISSOCIATED VIA MIND CONTROL, AND DON’T EVEN REMEMBER.

Ongoing Mind Control Attempts of Me

As far as I know, the main PROGRAMMING DIRECTIVE I have still been receiving, via all the V2K, frequency weaponized mind control messages incoming from the Death Cult, is one of IDIOT COMPASSIONATE “MERCY” for active perpetrators. This electronic mind control attempt started after I gave a talk about Trauma-Based Mind Control on 8/4/2022. I think this is because they know that free humanity is coming for them, is closing the net, despite their insane death machine still churning away. It seems that they want all available ~~assets~~ spooksmodel slaves to punt for their getting a free pass, or at least getting off easy. What they don’t understand, that I have painfully learned this year from my efforts to help other survivors in need, is this:

Rescue is not freedom, unless you are a child. Yes, we must rescue all children, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

Adult perpetrators must be STOPPED.

True service to others (not lip service) will help the world discern one’s goodness, versus posturing but doing nothing IRL.

NO TO IDIOT COMPASSION!*

IF YOU’RE STILL ABUSING, STOP IT AND GET OUT NOW!

We will decide justice by what people do with whatever freedom they have.❤️

*Idiot compassion is a term created by someone later found to be guilty of several abuses of his power, and then was enabled to continue abusing by his followers for years: Trungpa Rinpoche. And yet…he offered wisdom and helpful teachings to many, also…like this helpful term. Complex!

For everyone who is free to be of service:

SIGN THE PETITION!